i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
