I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
