It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
