Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
