how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
