Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
