He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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