why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
