I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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