Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
