so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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