??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I look better un-naked...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
