he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
