mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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