I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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