all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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