I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
