i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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