The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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