I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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