My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
is wine microwaveable?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
