Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
