Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize