i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
