My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
