My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
