my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
