my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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