Who wears a wallet chain?!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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