He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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