I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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