Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
