I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
