peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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