did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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