Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
