You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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