brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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