I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
