I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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