addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
