I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
