I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
