My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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