I'm gonna have a badass scar
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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