If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
