I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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