Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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