Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
