I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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