You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
