The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
false alarm, still single
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
