$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
