I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
