Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i was born a porn star she said
our cab driver is having phone sex.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
a search helicopter?!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
